Santa: From Halfway House to Your Local Mall

Christmas is almost upon us, as are these Sketchy Santas …

Five Utterly Ridiculous Consumer Products

The Back Up – so you can kill somebody while remaining prone and semiconscious...


The Tiddy Bear – everybody wants a happy little guy sliding between their breasts...


The Privacy Scarf – totally inconspicuous way to watch porn in public...

The SpeedFit – cause regular old running is just too damn simple...


Comfort Wipe – “toilet paper is really archaic…”

"Boundless Love" from Client-9

Ah, it’s almost Christmas. How do I know this? My mailman keeps asking me for aspirin…he also wants to know why all my magazines come wrapped in black plastic, but that’s another story. Poor guy’s back is killing him because he’s lugging around a sack full of tacky holiday photo cards. We all get these. Many of us send them. Pretty standard themes:

-The matching sweater family
-Dogs in Santa hats
-We’re on vacation!
-Aren’t our children are adorable?
-Cats, cats, cats
-Reminder—I’m engaged or just got married
-The star means we’re Jewish
-Kids and animals do the CRAZIEST things
-Celebrate Kwanzaa (from the black guy who grew up in the suburbs)
-Sad solo dude and his expensive car

You get the picture; kitsch ad nauseum. But there’s always one card that sends a chill up the spine. Makes you shove it back in the envelope and run upstairs to take a shower. Cause we’ve all got at least one friend who was really really creepy back in the day. I’m not talking about the douche bag who used to pat an occasional waitress on the ass. The picture of him and his Corvette make for a fine holiday greeting. I’m talking about the guy who you found hungover one morning, naked and crying in a Vegas hotel bathroom scrubbing his penis frantically in the sink after having had unprotected sex with a stripper in a Denny’s restroom. Yeah, we all know him.

And seeing this guy on a Christmas card, no matter how elegant his wife looks, or how endearing his kids are, or how many Labradoodles in Santa hats are licking his face in the photo, just reminds you of the all the impromptu cock-washings you’ve witnessed over the years.

But you know, tis the season. Got to let bygones be bygones. So for you, really creepy friend, I found a card that might even make you feel like a pretty decent person. Happy holidays…