Yesterday I prepared two mini-essays as openers for the blog. However, after careful review and counsel from my wife, I’ve decided to begin with something less controversial, containing fewer mentions of sexually explicit acts. In any event, today I will not be posting: “Joe Six-Pack: Suckling from Palin’s Teat,” nor will you get to read “Jesus is my Backdoor Man,” a lively discussion of California Ballot Proposition 8 (the “California Marriage Protection Act”). These writings may resurface at some point…
Now onto my first post entitled: Jews for Jesus.
On my way to work I often pass through the intersection of California and Fillmore Streets. This is a busy thoroughfare in San Francisco, particularly for pedestrians. It comes as no surprise that, on any given day, this junction is chock-full of overzealous college-age canvassers wielding clip-boards and reeking of the kind of smugness that comes from believing no one else cares quite as much as you do. They all “work” for some ostensibly altruistic group that is in immediate desperate need of YOUR donation. Ironically, they would bring in more revenue if they simply donated their earnings from a part-time minimum-wage job. But ya know, it’s about gettin’ the message out there, man. Sure. I refer to all of these people, regardless of organizational affiliation, as Jews for Jesus.
The euphemism stems from the movie “Airplane!” There’s a classic scene depicting the character “Rex Kramer,” making his way through an airport terminal when he is repeatedly approached by aggressive solicitors shouting their affiliations (Jehovah’s Witness, Jerry’s Kids, Scientology, etc), the most audible being Jews for Jesus. Kramer violently retaliates and incapacitates every jackass offering him a pamphlet or flower or gesture of goodwill, all the while continuing to move forward on the way to more important matters. Rex Kramer has become my fictitious hero; the various Jews for Jesus are my nemeses.
In lieu of responding to the J4Js I encounter with abrupt merciless violence, which is always tempting, I’ve developed a game that not only diffuses my rage, but allows me to turn the tables—predator becomes prey. Basically, you respond to their questions with more questions, gradually increasing in creepiness until they become overwhelmed and abandon talking to you altogether. The ultimate goal, of course, is to get them to throw down their clipboard and nametag and flee the scene in horror, never to return.
Much like illegitimate children and Jewish grandmothers, the J4Js always initiate conversation with a question designed to elicit guilt, like: Do you have a minute to help place abused three-legged blind puppies in a warm and loving home? If you instinctively started nodding your head while reading that last sentence, slap yourself hard in the face and pay attention. Here are some hypothetical interactions:
Example 1
J4J: Will you help sponsor an at-risk child?
You: Oh wow, of course, I love children. Are there volunteer opportunities?
J4J: Yes. We actually have a local shelter for homeless teenagers. I’d like to-
You: Are there boys ages five to nine there?
J4J: Uh…I’m not sure.
You: Is there a lot of one-on-one time with the boys?
J4J: I…uh…you can help us today by making a cash donation, and I will give-
You: Do they do background checks?
J4J: What?
You: Well, when you signed up, did they fingerprint you?
J4J: What?!?
Example 2
J4J: Can I count on you to help stop big oil from polluting the environment?
You: Yes. (stepping extremely close to the J4J) How did you get involved with such a beautiful cause?
J4J: Well... (stepping back)…after I graduated from Bryn Mawr-
You: (stepping forward) The minute you spoke to me I felt a connection between us. Did you feel it too?
J4J: Uh…(stepping back)…I think a lot of people are mad at the oil companies because-
You: (stepping forward) Yeah. Yeah. Crazy mad. Crazy. What kind of shampoo do you use?
J4J: Can I just get you to sign this-
You: Are you out here alone or do you work with a partner?
J4J: (stepping way back) Uh…
You: I’ll make a donation if you tell me where you live. (holding out $20) What’s your address?
J4J: I took a defensive awareness class the summer before my junior year.
Anyway, I’m sure you get the point. I sincerely hope you will join me in playing this game at every available opportunity. Together we can stop these canvassers from wasting our time and theirs. It’s a moral and ethical imperative. If you’re reluctant, ask yourself: Do you have five minutes to help steer young people off the streets?
