3rd Party Opinion in 140 Characters or Less

Want a daily dose of 3rd Party Opinion? Check out my Twitter page (it’s public so you do not need a Twitter account): http://twitter.com/brianpdawson

You may also find the following lists useful:

http://twitter.com/brianpdawson/wellinformedcitizen - A compilation of up-to-the-minute Tweets from forty news sources that I personally follow for information on politics, international affairs, security policy, business, the environment, and human rights.

http://twitter.com/brianpdawson/intheknowsf - Five minutes a day will keep you current on San Francisco. Covering local government, events, food and wine, nightlife, art, film, real estate and philanthropic causes.

Euro-PSAs: A Not-So-Happy Place

Something occurred to me as I was perusing AdFreak’s 30 Freakiest Commercials of 2009 –foreign countries produce far more effective Public Service Announcements than we do here in the U.S. Ours always seem to be heavy-handed or hackneyed, thus ineffective.

Even the most memorable American PSAs did not have an effect on me, well at least not the intended effect. The late-eighties “This is your brain on drugs” spot simply made me hungry. And then after multiple viewings, the engrained imagery actually encouraged the taking of drugs as I thought they would help inspire me to whip up a fancier egg dish. My brain often looked like a lopsided frittata. Yum.

The four Euro-ads that I’ve posted below are actually beyond effective. In fact, they are so disturbing that there are spill-over effects and unintended consequences:

-

This one did indeed make me afraid for abused children, but it also made me afraid of dolls, backyard playhouses, and Finnish people in general.


Starts out with a buxom Dutch stripper and ends with a grisly knife-wielding fisherman. Note to self: no more lap dances at Neptune Nell’s down by the wharf.


Who will be crowned princess of the schoolyard?


Polar bears are so cute and cuddly. Not so much when their mangled carcasses are falling from the sky.

Santa: From Halfway House to Your Local Mall

Christmas is almost upon us, as are these Sketchy Santas …

We're All Tree-Huggers Now

I love living in San Francisco. I really do. And I don’t lose sleep over the fact that across the nation a great many of our fellow citizens view us as smug idealists, sexual deviants, and nature worshiping pagans. Most of the time I simply laugh it off. Most of the time. But every now and again I have an act of such utter foolishness thrust upon me by one of my own ilk—a San Franciscan—that even I, your ever-tolerant narrator, inadvertently cringes in disgust.

Such is the case when I encounter the middle-aged gray-ponytail-sporting kook in the Whole Foods parking lot who hands out home-printed “consumption citations” to drivers of other-than-hybrid vehicles while wearing a t-shirt that reads “My car gets 45 mpg. Does yours?” I’ve often fantasized about stuffing my green canvas reusable grocery sack with organic coconuts and delivering a Code Red to this self-righteous clown in a secluded corner of the garage. So if you ever pull into a dimly lit Whole Foods parking spot that reeks of patchouli, Fair Trade coffee, coconut milk, and death, you’ll know what happened.

The only thing more annoying than sanctimonious policy springing from a parking lot, is sanctimonious policy spewing from the podium. Enter Gavin Newsom. Our mayor’s Trees for Tomorrow program has planted 26,408 trees over the past five years. The city’s Department of Public Works planted 8,420 of said trees at a cost of $7.76 million to reach his Honor’s lofty and publically stated numerical goal. To simply maintain the program, the DPW must spend $1.1 million per year for the next three years along with $570,000 a year to an outside watering contractor.

Now I like trees as much as the next guy. Love to see more in my neighborhood, and elsewhere. Certainly would. Spend money planting trees. Sounds reasonable. Here’s the rub: on Friday a third of DPW’s tree maintenance crews were fired due to budgetary issues. That’s seventeen people no longer gainfully employed this week. I’m not an accountant or anything, but my guess is that somewhere in all that green is enough to pay seventeen salaries? But hey, at least all these newly unemployed folks will have plenty of shady spots where they can sit and think about how to rebuild their lives.

Too bad for his Honor that trees don’t vote.

Five Utterly Ridiculous Consumer Products

The Back Up – so you can kill somebody while remaining prone and semiconscious...


The Tiddy Bear – everybody wants a happy little guy sliding between their breasts...


The Privacy Scarf – totally inconspicuous way to watch porn in public...

The SpeedFit – cause regular old running is just too damn simple...


Comfort Wipe – “toilet paper is really archaic…”

Horribly Inappropriate Halloween Costumes

Images from Huffington Post

Halloween is right around the corner. Better stockpile candy, and dignity, now cause you won’t be amassing any in these:

Children’s pimp costume – “When I grow up I want to be Bishop Don Magic Juan.”

Elton Jon Benet – “Mmm…can we have some sweet treats?”

Even sans sheep, this dude is clearly creepy – “Hi, I’m your new neighbor and I love to babysit. You’re not familiar with Megan’s Law, are you?”

Child suicide bomber – “Halloween? No, only heathens celebrate that. This is my costume for a skit at after-school bible camp about the sand people who want to destroy Jesus.”

The shocker, a douche bag favorite – “I always reach for my candy through the backdoor.”

Euro Mobile Guy – “You want make dial operator, pretty American lady?”

Kid Tranny Diva – “My parents aren’t sure what pronouns to use to describe me.”

Happy, Healthy Obamas Out of Touch with Miserable Americans

Video from The Onion -


Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans

The Pussification of America

LEAKED: GOP Memo on Anti-Heath Care Talking Points

(by: Lee Camp on Huffington Post)

Click photo to enlarge -

My Fellow Americans, Don’t Call Your Waitress a Cunt

Obama drastically scales back goals for America after visiting Denny’s (Video from The Onion):

Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

Sex with Ducks

Pat Robertson says that legalizing gay marriage will lead to sex with ducks.  Let’s hope so…

The Harvard of Date Rape

Check out Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones as he uncovers the candid semi-coherent opinions of the ASU student body as they ponder why their university refuses to grant the customary honorary degree to a commencement speaker who happens to be a sitting U.S. President…

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Arizona State Snubs Obama
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

Auto-Tune the News #2

Check out the Gregory brothers as they seamlessly fuse Hip Hop and mainstream media in their second installment of: Auto-Tune the News. In this video segment, they relay the latest on gay marriage, the legalization of drugs, global warming, and everybody’s favorite—pirates!

Grandpa's Naked on the Internet Again

(Photo by Katrin Trautner)

Massachusetts lawmakers have proposed a statewide ban on making and distributing pornography involving the elderly.

The proposed bill (text here), if passed, would make it a crime—with consequences equivalent to manufacturing and disseminating child pornography—to make “any visual material that contains a representation or reproduction of any posture or exhibition in a state of nudity” involving anyone age 60 or over. The pending legislation was fueled by an alleged rise in reports of seniors being photographed against their will by their caretakers (Boston Herald).

Without question, sexual abuse committed against the elderly (or anyone else) is repulsive and should be prosecuted and punished using every available legal resource. Having said that, there are some serious flaws in the proposed bill.

As written, the law is not limited to those who are mentally impaired, thus unable to consent, or to those who are photographed without permission. The provisions of the bill would affect all people over 60—whether or not they are incompetent.

So, instead of celebrating the fact that grandma is one of the few in her generation tech-savvy enough to send a photo of her boobs to her male suitors on match.com, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts would sooner put her in jail and label her a sex offender. Erectile dysfunction drugs may be de-stigmatized, but if grandpa takes a proud snapshot of his boner, the Staties will kick in his door and cuff his naked ass.

And why the arbitrary age 60 cutoff? Quite a slippery slope. Just think of the unfair burden this will put on businesses whose livelihood depends on the visual depictions of more seasoned individuals. Can you imagine how awkward it would be if the guys at UrbanCougar.com had to ask models for their IDs to ensure that they were under 60?

And frankly, let’s just put it out there: I can’t be the only guy around who’s waiting with bated breath for the next cinematic glimpse of Dame Judi Dench’s ample bosom? Right? Anyone?

I could go on, but I’m not looking to be the spokesperson for every pervy geriatric with a camera. I’m not in it for the glory. This bill probably won’t go anywhere. Certainly not beyond the Massachusetts border. Let’s hope not anyway; I wouldn’t want to become the youngest Boca Raton Nudist Association Man of the Year.

I’ll tell you one thing, if this bill does indeed pass, any films that feature a severe British matriarch will be viewed, by this humble blogger, far west of the Haabah.

Livin' Large in the Ivory Tower

Speaking candidly, I dig Jeffrey Sachs. It’s a bit of a man-crush really. Strictly platonic though; not a situation that would give rise to any moments for awkwardboners.com. Anyway, when he’s not off gallivanting around the developing world with Bono and Angelina Jolie, Sachs spews out some brilliant insight. Such is the case in his latest economic dress down: The Geithner-Summers Plan Is Even Worse Than We Thought.

I was going to summarize Sachs’ take on one of the many gaping loopholes in the “plan,” but I figured you’d probably rather hear directly from a man named among the 100 Most Influential leaders in the world, as opposed to a dude referred to by a close friend as a “more pervy Larry David” (thanks, Sloane).

Insiders can easily game the system created by Geithner and Summers to cost up to a trillion dollars or more to the taxpayers.

Here's how. Consider a toxic asset held by Citibank with a face value of $1 million, but with zero probability of any payout and therefore with a zero market value. An outside bidder would not pay anything for such an asset.

Suppose, however, that Citibank itself sets up a Citibank Public-Private Investment Fund (CPPIF) under the Geithner-Summers plan. The CPPIF will bid the full face value of $1 million for the worthless asset, because it can borrow $850K from the FDIC, and get $75K from the Treasury, to make the purchase! Citibank will only have to put in $75K of the total.

Citibank thereby receives $1 million for the worthless asset, while the CPPIF ends up with an utterly worthless asset against $850K in debt to the FDIC. The CPPIF therefore quietly declares bankruptcy, while Citibank walks away with a cool $1 million. Citibank's net profit on the transaction is $925K (remember that the bank invested $75K in the CPPIF) and the taxpayers lose $925K. Since the total of toxic assets in the banking system exceeds $1 trillion, and perhaps reaches $2-3 trillion, the amount of potential rip-off in the Geithner-Summers plan is unconscionably large.

More significantly, Sachs raises the issue of transparency, or lack thereof –

Let them explain the hidden and not-so-hidden risks to the American taxpayer of the plan that they have put forward. Let them explain why they are so intent on saving the banks' bondholders, even the long-term unsecured creditors who clearly knew they were taking market risks in buying Citibank bonds. Let them work with their critics to fashion a less risky and less costly plan. So far Geithner and Summers tell us that their plan is the only option, but without a word of further explanation as to why.

Geithner and Summers don’t deserve to shoulder all the blame for their plan’s opaqueness. On his first day in office, President Obama promised “a new era of openness is this country.” And yet now he seems either unwilling or unable to force his fiscal minions to honor that sentiment. Perhaps Obama should take a cue from Harry S. Truman, who frequently referenced the sign on his Oval Office desk that read: “The buck stops here.” Except that nowadays it would need to read: Trillions of bucks stop here.

A Wolfpigeon Ate Your Baby

Today, telecommunications giant Qualcomm announced a newly developed digital network convergence program: In order to provide the most expansive coverage possible, the convergence program has implanted tiny base stations into thousands of pigeons—wolfpigeons.


In addition to the video, be sure to check out Qualcomm’s official convergence website, complete with graphic illustrations of wolfpigeons, sharkfalcons, and more: Qualcomm Convergence

It’s nice to know that someone in corporate America has a sense of humor—especially in this economy.

Happy April Fools!

Teens Continue to Hit Home Runs

Given the rash of recent right-wing whining about the Obama Administration’s proposed federal expenditures, it is astounding to note that Congress has committed more than $1.5 billion to abstinence-only-until-marriage programs since 1996. Meanwhile, zero dollars have gone to comprehensive sex education.

It is abundantly clear that abstinence-only programs fail. And by fail, I mean that these programs have failed to meet their own stated objective: to delay the onset of sexual activity (see Guttmacher Institute Report on Abstinence-Only Education and More Soldiers for the Lord). Moreover, teens who received comprehensive sex education were 50 percent less likely to become pregnant than teens who were in abstinence-only programs (see UW Researchers Say Comprehensive Sex Ed Cuts Teen Pregnancies and Bristol Palin).

Generally speaking, I am against any federally mandated programs that attempt to “parent” children. I strongly prefer local control, if not individual autonomy. I recognize that the residents of San Francisco may have different sensibilities than the residents of Wasilla, Alaska. Having said that, if Congress is going to continue to dedicate cash to teaching American children what not to do with their respective genitalia, it seems logical to broaden the curriculum a bit.

The Responsible Education About Life (REAL) Act is a step in the right direction (detailed information here: REAL Act). The REAL Act will fund programs that do all of the following:
1) Continue to stress the value of abstinence and teach that it is the only certain way to avoid pregnancy or STDs;
2) Provide medically accurate information about the health benefits and side effects of contraceptives;
3) Encourage family communication about sexuality;
4) Teach skills for making responsible decisions about sex, including how to avoid unwanted verbal, physical, and sexual advances and how not to make unwanted verbal, physical, and sexual advances; and
5) Teach that alcohol and drug use can affect the ability to make responsible decisions—much to the chagrin of teenage boys everywhere.

Significantly, the REAL Act is a broad set of guidelines for those wishing to receive federal funding. The specific curriculum and the age at which it’s taught will be determined by the local community.

Peter Rothberg, of The Nation (whose post Get Real on Sex Ed brought the REAL Act to my attention), sums it up quite well: The REAL Act is a necessary antidote to counterproductive abstinence-only-until-marriage programs that spread misinformation, marginalize gay and lesbian youth and reinforce gender stereotypes. The idea is that these programs will supply young people with the tools to make informed decisions, resist peer pressure, set goals, manage stress, be responsible, understand and accept diversity, build healthy relationships and have access to up-to-date information about how they can protect themselves against sexually transmitted infections, including HIV/AIDS.

AIG Executives: Travel in Pairs

Today, a bus protest tour is visiting the homes of AIG executives in the normally serene community of Fairfield, Connecticut (New York Daily News). Home of AIG executive James Haas, in Fairfield, Conn.

Earlier in the week, AIG issued a corporate security memorandum (Gawker) advising its cash-flush employees on how to avoid falling prey to roving mobs of populist vigilantes looking to extract a prison-style post-bonus tax (click on image to enlarge):

I came up with a far more straightforward and effective memo:
Attention AIG Executives – Voluntarily give back your bonuses.

Videos of the Week

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
The New White Face of Crime
comedycentral.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Important Things w/ Demetri Martin Political Humor

Seppuku at AIG

Quote of the Day:

"The first thing that would make me feel a little bit better towards them if they’d follow the Japanese model and come before the American people and take that deep bow and say I’m sorry, and then either do one of two things — resign, or go commit suicide."
-Senator Charles Grassley (R-Iowa), on the AIG executives who are receiving $165 million in bonuses even though their company just reported the largest quarterly corporate loss in American history ($62 billion for fourth quarter 2008) and has to date received more that $170 billion in federal bailout funds.

Top Ten Worst Places to Buy Real Estate

All excerpts from Real Clear World: World's Most Dangerous Cities

10) London - For the past several years, the city has been increasingly plagued by knife-related crime and violence…despite disputed statistics, even conservative estimates show knife-related violence in London occurring at a rate of every 52 minutes.

9) Saskatoon - Saskatoon earned such infamy by placing first in aggravated assault and robbery, fourth in homicide and sexual assault, 20th in breaking and entering, and 21st in vehicle theft among Canadian cities.

8) Norilsk - How does Norilsk, a city of 134,000 on Russia's far-flung frozen tundra, make our list? Well, this is how Time magazine described it: Norilsk was founded in 1935 as a Siberian slave labor camp, and life there has pretty much gone downhill since. Norilsk is home to the world's largest heavy metal smelting complex, with little or no regulartory oversight. Polluted water and air make life expectancy in this city around just 40 years. Within 30 miles of the city, there is not a single living tree.

7) Johannesburg - In South Africa, one of the ongoing topics of discussion is which of the country's two major cities - Johannesburg and Cape Town - is the more likely to get your car hijacked or your wallet taken. While crime has ebbed and flowed throughout all of South Africa in recent years, the city of Johannesburg has earned a special distinction for theft, robbery and violence.

6) Rio de Janeiro - Plagued by violent gun crime, assassinations and drug-trafficking, nearly 50,000 people have died of crime-related violence in Rio between 1978 and 2000.

5) Detroit - The dysfunction starts from the top. Kwame Kilpatrick, after a 7-year stint as Detroit mayor that was plagued by all sorts of allegations of impropriety, just served 99 days in prison for obstruction of justice. The current president of the city council, Monica Conyers, is noted for her thuggish behavior and is also currently under FBI investigation for bribery. A separate FBI probe into city hall corruption is also ongoing. Detroit's violent crime rate nearly triples the national average.

4) Caracas - Since [Hugo Chavez’s] election in 1998, the homicide rate in Caracas has more than doubled, earning the city the 2008 award for 'Murder Capital of the World' by Foreign Policy.

3) Linfen - A number of Chinese cities could've made this list for the same reason - pollution - but Linfen takes the cake because it has the dirtiest air in the entire world…a result of being one of China's largest coal mining hubs.

2) Ciudad Juarez - The city of 1.5 million has already experienced 1,800 murders since January and is the epicenter of a violent battle between rival drug cartels, smugglers, kidnappers and criminals. Among the city’s grim statistics, over 400 women have fallen prey to “sexual homicide” since 1999. Dismembered bodies and large “common graves” stuffed with corpses have inspired the CIA and Pentagon to begin contingency planning for a “failed state” on America’s southern border.

1) Mogadishu - The capital of Somalia is nearly synonymous with chaos and violence…Just yesterday, 11 people were killed in a clash between Islamist groups. Over a million of the city’s residents have reportedly been displaced, with tens of thousands fleeing the "city of death" altogether.

Oh Stewardess, I Speak Jive

Some highlights from the Politico article: Blacks, Whites Hear Obama Differently

“Black English, especially the cadence, is becoming America’s youth lingua franca, especially since the mainstreaming of hip-hop. Its sound conveys warmth, authenticity and a touch of seductive danger.” [-John McWhorter]

Beyond speech, blacks have picked up certain of Obama’s mannerisms, particularly his walk, that signal authenticity. Bush had his cowboy strut, and Obama has a swagger — a rhythmic lope that says cool and confident and undeniably black. It was most noticeable on his first post-election trip to the White House, some said.

“The swagger was out of control, dragging the left foot, it was like, ‘Barack, you have got to calm down,’” said Melissa Harris-Lacewell, a Princeton University professor who teaches courses in politics and black studies. “The swagger thing just got worse and worse during the campaign ... I am sure David Axelrod told him to stop swaggering.”

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele has used phrases recently like “bling bling” to describe the stimulus package and “off the hook” to describe the new RNC outreach plans, at a time when he is trying to step up the party’s appeal to African-American voters.

After reading this article I have several questions:

1) Where can I pickup a “Black English” Dictionary? I'd like to learn a few catch phrases so that I can verbally convey “warmth” along with “seductive danger.”

2) At what point during the campaign did Obama’s swagger reach the optimum level of blackness? I want to be sure I review videos of Barack walking from the correct time period so that I can mimic him to attract potential African-American friends as I stroll through urban areas. I’ve got to be careful because apparently, when one’s “rhythmic lope” becomes too exaggerated there is a backlash.

3) Does a video exist of David Axelrod cautioning Obama to pull back his swagger? I can almost hear Axelrod’s coaching: “Whoa, Barry. They’re not gonna like all that lateral movement in Western Pennsylvania. Here, try to copy me; I’m really white.”

4) Can you imagine if during the campaign John McCain had, like Michael Steele, peppered his speeches with alleged black catch phrases to try to appeal to African-American voters? “Booya, my friends!”

5) Why did/does Barack Obama (according to Politico) have to use speech and physicality to “signal” that he is authentically black? I mean, didn’t both Clintons tell us he was black at least a couple dozen times during the election?

Unnatural Selection

Today would be Charles Darwin’s 200th birthday. So, Chuck, for your birthday we Americans are giving you the present of collective blind ignorance…

From Gallup

PRINCETON, NJ -- On the eve of the 200th anniversary of Charles Darwin's birth, a new Gallup Poll shows that only 39% of Americans say they "believe in the theory of evolution," while a quarter say they do not believe in the theory, and another 36% don't have an opinion either way. These attitudes are strongly related to education and, to an even greater degree, religiosity.

Obamas Are Into Fisting?

According to Fox News, the Obamas are into fisting...

Facebook, In Translation

My apologies to my loyal reader(s) (thank you, honey, for regularly checking 3POP on multiple workstations so that I’ll have more than one hit a day) for briefly abandoning the blog. I signed up for a Facebook account just over a week ago and it has sucked up all my energy. Who knew that you could spend so much time on a website with no overt pornography?

Overall, my rookie week on Facebook has been a positive experience. However, I’ve discovered that there is a glaring discrepancy between the actual written messages you receive from old friends, and the underlying meaning conveyed through your memory of said friends. Observe:

What she says is: “I haven’t seen you in sooooo long. I’ve really grown up a lot since high school.”
What she means is: I’m really embarrassed about that time after the party with all those Jell-O shots, when I tried to give you road head on the way home but ended up throwing up on your crotch and all over the car. That doesn’t happen anymore (the throwing up part).

What he says is: “New York is F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S! I really love living in Chelsea. I am out at bars almost every night. ;-)”
What he means is: I now have sex with men—often. But since we went to a very conservative high school, I want to gauge your tolerance level before I share the pictures of me at last year’s Pride Parade dressed as Carmen Miranda.

What she says is: “I absolutely love being a mom!!!! I don’t miss being the youngest vice president and highest paid woman at XYZ Corporation at all.”
What she means is: As I was the epitome of a Type-A overachiever in high school, I now miss the sense of control that only a high-powered career could provide. And it turns out to be kind of a bummer to have a little dependant who’s always drooling, soiling himself, and constantly wanting to suck on my nipples. Reminds me of when we used to date.

What he says is: “It’s really cool seeing my boy play Little League on the same field we all used to play on. I take the time to go to all his practices.”
What he means is: As a failed athlete who desperately wanted to play ball in college but could not cut it, I now intend to live vicariously through my son even if it means forcing him to take his meals in the backyard batting cage I built, holding him back two grade levels to ensure his athletic dominance, and affixing a bat to his palm with industrial adhesive one night in a tearful drunken rage.