Grandpa's Naked on the Internet Again

(Photo by Katrin Trautner)

Massachusetts lawmakers have proposed a statewide ban on making and distributing pornography involving the elderly.

The proposed bill (text here), if passed, would make it a crime—with consequences equivalent to manufacturing and disseminating child pornography—to make “any visual material that contains a representation or reproduction of any posture or exhibition in a state of nudity” involving anyone age 60 or over. The pending legislation was fueled by an alleged rise in reports of seniors being photographed against their will by their caretakers (Boston Herald).

Without question, sexual abuse committed against the elderly (or anyone else) is repulsive and should be prosecuted and punished using every available legal resource. Having said that, there are some serious flaws in the proposed bill.

As written, the law is not limited to those who are mentally impaired, thus unable to consent, or to those who are photographed without permission. The provisions of the bill would affect all people over 60—whether or not they are incompetent.

So, instead of celebrating the fact that grandma is one of the few in her generation tech-savvy enough to send a photo of her boobs to her male suitors on match.com, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts would sooner put her in jail and label her a sex offender. Erectile dysfunction drugs may be de-stigmatized, but if grandpa takes a proud snapshot of his boner, the Staties will kick in his door and cuff his naked ass.

And why the arbitrary age 60 cutoff? Quite a slippery slope. Just think of the unfair burden this will put on businesses whose livelihood depends on the visual depictions of more seasoned individuals. Can you imagine how awkward it would be if the guys at UrbanCougar.com had to ask models for their IDs to ensure that they were under 60?

And frankly, let’s just put it out there: I can’t be the only guy around who’s waiting with bated breath for the next cinematic glimpse of Dame Judi Dench’s ample bosom? Right? Anyone?

I could go on, but I’m not looking to be the spokesperson for every pervy geriatric with a camera. I’m not in it for the glory. This bill probably won’t go anywhere. Certainly not beyond the Massachusetts border. Let’s hope not anyway; I wouldn’t want to become the youngest Boca Raton Nudist Association Man of the Year.

I’ll tell you one thing, if this bill does indeed pass, any films that feature a severe British matriarch will be viewed, by this humble blogger, far west of the Haabah.