Happy, Healthy Obamas Out of Touch with Miserable Americans

Video from The Onion -


Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans

My Fellow Americans, Don’t Call Your Waitress a Cunt

Obama drastically scales back goals for America after visiting Denny’s (Video from The Onion):

Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

The Harvard of Date Rape

Check out Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones as he uncovers the candid semi-coherent opinions of the ASU student body as they ponder why their university refuses to grant the customary honorary degree to a commencement speaker who happens to be a sitting U.S. President…

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Livin' Large in the Ivory Tower

Speaking candidly, I dig Jeffrey Sachs. It’s a bit of a man-crush really. Strictly platonic though; not a situation that would give rise to any moments for awkwardboners.com. Anyway, when he’s not off gallivanting around the developing world with Bono and Angelina Jolie, Sachs spews out some brilliant insight. Such is the case in his latest economic dress down: The Geithner-Summers Plan Is Even Worse Than We Thought.

I was going to summarize Sachs’ take on one of the many gaping loopholes in the “plan,” but I figured you’d probably rather hear directly from a man named among the 100 Most Influential leaders in the world, as opposed to a dude referred to by a close friend as a “more pervy Larry David” (thanks, Sloane).

Insiders can easily game the system created by Geithner and Summers to cost up to a trillion dollars or more to the taxpayers.

Here's how. Consider a toxic asset held by Citibank with a face value of $1 million, but with zero probability of any payout and therefore with a zero market value. An outside bidder would not pay anything for such an asset.

Suppose, however, that Citibank itself sets up a Citibank Public-Private Investment Fund (CPPIF) under the Geithner-Summers plan. The CPPIF will bid the full face value of $1 million for the worthless asset, because it can borrow $850K from the FDIC, and get $75K from the Treasury, to make the purchase! Citibank will only have to put in $75K of the total.

Citibank thereby receives $1 million for the worthless asset, while the CPPIF ends up with an utterly worthless asset against $850K in debt to the FDIC. The CPPIF therefore quietly declares bankruptcy, while Citibank walks away with a cool $1 million. Citibank's net profit on the transaction is $925K (remember that the bank invested $75K in the CPPIF) and the taxpayers lose $925K. Since the total of toxic assets in the banking system exceeds $1 trillion, and perhaps reaches $2-3 trillion, the amount of potential rip-off in the Geithner-Summers plan is unconscionably large.

More significantly, Sachs raises the issue of transparency, or lack thereof –

Let them explain the hidden and not-so-hidden risks to the American taxpayer of the plan that they have put forward. Let them explain why they are so intent on saving the banks' bondholders, even the long-term unsecured creditors who clearly knew they were taking market risks in buying Citibank bonds. Let them work with their critics to fashion a less risky and less costly plan. So far Geithner and Summers tell us that their plan is the only option, but without a word of further explanation as to why.

Geithner and Summers don’t deserve to shoulder all the blame for their plan’s opaqueness. On his first day in office, President Obama promised “a new era of openness is this country.” And yet now he seems either unwilling or unable to force his fiscal minions to honor that sentiment. Perhaps Obama should take a cue from Harry S. Truman, who frequently referenced the sign on his Oval Office desk that read: “The buck stops here.” Except that nowadays it would need to read: Trillions of bucks stop here.

Oh Stewardess, I Speak Jive

Some highlights from the Politico article: Blacks, Whites Hear Obama Differently

“Black English, especially the cadence, is becoming America’s youth lingua franca, especially since the mainstreaming of hip-hop. Its sound conveys warmth, authenticity and a touch of seductive danger.” [-John McWhorter]

Beyond speech, blacks have picked up certain of Obama’s mannerisms, particularly his walk, that signal authenticity. Bush had his cowboy strut, and Obama has a swagger — a rhythmic lope that says cool and confident and undeniably black. It was most noticeable on his first post-election trip to the White House, some said.

“The swagger was out of control, dragging the left foot, it was like, ‘Barack, you have got to calm down,’” said Melissa Harris-Lacewell, a Princeton University professor who teaches courses in politics and black studies. “The swagger thing just got worse and worse during the campaign ... I am sure David Axelrod told him to stop swaggering.”

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele has used phrases recently like “bling bling” to describe the stimulus package and “off the hook” to describe the new RNC outreach plans, at a time when he is trying to step up the party’s appeal to African-American voters.

After reading this article I have several questions:

1) Where can I pickup a “Black English” Dictionary? I'd like to learn a few catch phrases so that I can verbally convey “warmth” along with “seductive danger.”

2) At what point during the campaign did Obama’s swagger reach the optimum level of blackness? I want to be sure I review videos of Barack walking from the correct time period so that I can mimic him to attract potential African-American friends as I stroll through urban areas. I’ve got to be careful because apparently, when one’s “rhythmic lope” becomes too exaggerated there is a backlash.

3) Does a video exist of David Axelrod cautioning Obama to pull back his swagger? I can almost hear Axelrod’s coaching: “Whoa, Barry. They’re not gonna like all that lateral movement in Western Pennsylvania. Here, try to copy me; I’m really white.”

4) Can you imagine if during the campaign John McCain had, like Michael Steele, peppered his speeches with alleged black catch phrases to try to appeal to African-American voters? “Booya, my friends!”

5) Why did/does Barack Obama (according to Politico) have to use speech and physicality to “signal” that he is authentically black? I mean, didn’t both Clintons tell us he was black at least a couple dozen times during the election?

Obamas Are Into Fisting?

According to Fox News, the Obamas are into fisting...

Top Ten Dumb Political Quotes of 2008

1. "Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya." –Joe Biden, to Missouri state Senator Chuck Graham, who is in a wheelchair, Sept. 12, 2008

2. "We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California." –Hillary Clinton, rejecting calls for her to drop out of the Democratic presidential race, citing the 1968 assassination of Robert F. Kennedy as evidence that the lengthy Democratic nominating process was not unprecedented, May 23, 2008

3. "Can I explain to you what happened? First of all it happened during a period after she was in remission from cancer." –former Senator John Edwards, on cheating on his wife, Aug. 8, 2008

4. "I think — I'll have my staff get to you. It's condominiums where — I'll have them get to you." –John McCain after being asked how many houses he and his wife, Cindy, own, Aug. 20, 2008

5. "We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C. ... We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation." –Sarah Palin, speaking at a fundraiser in Greensboro, N.C., Oct. 16, 2008

6. "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." –President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, July 10, 2008

7. "It's not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations." –Barack Obama, on his troubles winning over some small-town, working-class voters, April 11, 2008

8. "I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base." –Hillary Clinton on visiting Bosnia in 1996, contradicting other accounts that said there was no threat of gunfire. Clinton later said she "misspoke"

9. "As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." –Sarah Palin, explaining why Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience in an interview with Katie Couric, Sept. 24, 2008

10. "Our economy, I think, is still — the fundamentals of our economy are strong." –John McCain, Sept. 15, 2008

King Barack of Nigeria

“David has become sort of like a boyfriend I broke up with who keeps trying to be friends. He keeps writing. And writing.”
-Mimi Swartz, in Yes, We Spam!, referring to the repeated post-election email solicitations from David Plouffe, Barack Obama’s campaign manager

I gotta say, though I’m a big fan of the President-elect and his crew, the constant stream of fundraising spam is becoming annoying. Worse, the pitches are really getting ridiculous. I received this one today:

My dear Friend,

This is to bring you notice that I, David Plouffe, Chief Barrister Attorney to an ex-King of Nigeria, have the honor with upmost good faith do appeal to you to sincerely to render me an assistance by way of supporting me to bring over to your country the sum of United States Dollars, Six Million two hundred thousand United States Dollars (US$6.2M).

I am representing with trusted belief and goodwill, the former deposed King of Nigeria, Barack Hussein Obama. As loyal steadfast to King Barack Hussein Obama, I, David Plouffe, Esquire, ask you as a person with familiar the particulars of business to take possession of said moneys before transfer return to King Barack Hussein Obama in exile in The city of District of Columbia, United States.

The volume of money is presently available in cash and deposited with Global Security Company. South Africa with deposit Certificate Number CXB90. This was part of the money that Nigerian Ex-Head of State, Barack Hussein Obama, concealed in the private personal warehouse before set up by military junta due to involvement in pro-Democracy activities as he wants civil rule in Nigeria as is a popular demand of the citizens.

Finally, I have discussed with King Barack Hussein Obama and have decided to offer you 20% of the sum for your noblest assistance because the money would be released to you in my presence on arrival to the country we choose. Also you will receive in good health a precious souvenir (picture beneath):
So let me have your immediate response towards actualization of this objective through Tel/Fax 234-1-7654321.

Fondest and Excellent Regards,
David Plouffe, in representation of His Majesty King Barack Hussein Obama

Bait and Switch

I did a double-take (or more accurately a double-read) today after stumbling upon neoconservative columnist (National Review Online) Mona Charen’s The Good Obama Can Do. I couldn’t quite nail it, but I immediately knew something was off in this article, which ostensibly touts the potential positive impact from Michelle and Barack Obama “modeling good parenting” in the White House. On second glance though, Charen’s true motive popped out at me like a priest in the schoolyard with pockets full-o-lollipops.

It’s yet another defense of so-called traditional marriage. But this one is far more sinister. Charen goes out of her way not to include the standard giveaway phrases: traditional marriage, same-sex couple(s), any Biblical text, San Francisco-values, Prop 8, Ellen, etc. Instead, she simply bashes every family who does not fit into her arbitrary mold—a married man and a woman who are “college-educated,” and “upper middle and upper class,” did not have a child out of wedlock, and have never been divorced.

Apparently, anything else “plays havoc with children’s security.” My personal favorite, of Charen’s many vague and melodramatic statements is: “Stepfamilies, as medieval fables suggested, are not as safe or secure for children as the nuclear family of two married parents.” Cinderella aside, most of her quotes are decidedly less amusing. Charen’s third paragraph is palpably creepy:

More than one-third of American children are born out of wedlock (two-thirds for black kids)...They have higher rates of school failure, drug use, depression, teen pregnancy, trouble with the law, violence, and poor health...poor women are having more and more children without husbands and they are also divorcing at much higher rates.

And then, after cataloging the supposed problems that stem from raising children outside a traditional marriage, she proposes that the child dependant tax credit be increased “limited to married parents.”

So, Mona, let me get this straight, according to you, the people that need the most help raising well-adjusted children will get nothing while married couples will receive more cash simply for procreating? Here is how I would summarize your views: If you are single, divorced, homosexual, or in particular a poor minority, the government should enact policy to discourage you from raising a child.

It’s a good thing that Barack Obama’s grandmother wasn’t a fan of your column.