Auto-Tune the News #2

Check out the Gregory brothers as they seamlessly fuse Hip Hop and mainstream media in their second installment of: Auto-Tune the News. In this video segment, they relay the latest on gay marriage, the legalization of drugs, global warming, and everybody’s favorite—pirates!

Grandpa's Naked on the Internet Again

(Photo by Katrin Trautner)

Massachusetts lawmakers have proposed a statewide ban on making and distributing pornography involving the elderly.

The proposed bill (text here), if passed, would make it a crime—with consequences equivalent to manufacturing and disseminating child pornography—to make “any visual material that contains a representation or reproduction of any posture or exhibition in a state of nudity” involving anyone age 60 or over. The pending legislation was fueled by an alleged rise in reports of seniors being photographed against their will by their caretakers (Boston Herald).

Without question, sexual abuse committed against the elderly (or anyone else) is repulsive and should be prosecuted and punished using every available legal resource. Having said that, there are some serious flaws in the proposed bill.

As written, the law is not limited to those who are mentally impaired, thus unable to consent, or to those who are photographed without permission. The provisions of the bill would affect all people over 60—whether or not they are incompetent.

So, instead of celebrating the fact that grandma is one of the few in her generation tech-savvy enough to send a photo of her boobs to her male suitors on match.com, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts would sooner put her in jail and label her a sex offender. Erectile dysfunction drugs may be de-stigmatized, but if grandpa takes a proud snapshot of his boner, the Staties will kick in his door and cuff his naked ass.

And why the arbitrary age 60 cutoff? Quite a slippery slope. Just think of the unfair burden this will put on businesses whose livelihood depends on the visual depictions of more seasoned individuals. Can you imagine how awkward it would be if the guys at UrbanCougar.com had to ask models for their IDs to ensure that they were under 60?

And frankly, let’s just put it out there: I can’t be the only guy around who’s waiting with bated breath for the next cinematic glimpse of Dame Judi Dench’s ample bosom? Right? Anyone?

I could go on, but I’m not looking to be the spokesperson for every pervy geriatric with a camera. I’m not in it for the glory. This bill probably won’t go anywhere. Certainly not beyond the Massachusetts border. Let’s hope not anyway; I wouldn’t want to become the youngest Boca Raton Nudist Association Man of the Year.

I’ll tell you one thing, if this bill does indeed pass, any films that feature a severe British matriarch will be viewed, by this humble blogger, far west of the Haabah.

Livin' Large in the Ivory Tower

Speaking candidly, I dig Jeffrey Sachs. It’s a bit of a man-crush really. Strictly platonic though; not a situation that would give rise to any moments for awkwardboners.com. Anyway, when he’s not off gallivanting around the developing world with Bono and Angelina Jolie, Sachs spews out some brilliant insight. Such is the case in his latest economic dress down: The Geithner-Summers Plan Is Even Worse Than We Thought.

I was going to summarize Sachs’ take on one of the many gaping loopholes in the “plan,” but I figured you’d probably rather hear directly from a man named among the 100 Most Influential leaders in the world, as opposed to a dude referred to by a close friend as a “more pervy Larry David” (thanks, Sloane).

Insiders can easily game the system created by Geithner and Summers to cost up to a trillion dollars or more to the taxpayers.

Here's how. Consider a toxic asset held by Citibank with a face value of $1 million, but with zero probability of any payout and therefore with a zero market value. An outside bidder would not pay anything for such an asset.

Suppose, however, that Citibank itself sets up a Citibank Public-Private Investment Fund (CPPIF) under the Geithner-Summers plan. The CPPIF will bid the full face value of $1 million for the worthless asset, because it can borrow $850K from the FDIC, and get $75K from the Treasury, to make the purchase! Citibank will only have to put in $75K of the total.

Citibank thereby receives $1 million for the worthless asset, while the CPPIF ends up with an utterly worthless asset against $850K in debt to the FDIC. The CPPIF therefore quietly declares bankruptcy, while Citibank walks away with a cool $1 million. Citibank's net profit on the transaction is $925K (remember that the bank invested $75K in the CPPIF) and the taxpayers lose $925K. Since the total of toxic assets in the banking system exceeds $1 trillion, and perhaps reaches $2-3 trillion, the amount of potential rip-off in the Geithner-Summers plan is unconscionably large.

More significantly, Sachs raises the issue of transparency, or lack thereof –

Let them explain the hidden and not-so-hidden risks to the American taxpayer of the plan that they have put forward. Let them explain why they are so intent on saving the banks' bondholders, even the long-term unsecured creditors who clearly knew they were taking market risks in buying Citibank bonds. Let them work with their critics to fashion a less risky and less costly plan. So far Geithner and Summers tell us that their plan is the only option, but without a word of further explanation as to why.

Geithner and Summers don’t deserve to shoulder all the blame for their plan’s opaqueness. On his first day in office, President Obama promised “a new era of openness is this country.” And yet now he seems either unwilling or unable to force his fiscal minions to honor that sentiment. Perhaps Obama should take a cue from Harry S. Truman, who frequently referenced the sign on his Oval Office desk that read: “The buck stops here.” Except that nowadays it would need to read: Trillions of bucks stop here.

A Wolfpigeon Ate Your Baby

Today, telecommunications giant Qualcomm announced a newly developed digital network convergence program: In order to provide the most expansive coverage possible, the convergence program has implanted tiny base stations into thousands of pigeons—wolfpigeons.


In addition to the video, be sure to check out Qualcomm’s official convergence website, complete with graphic illustrations of wolfpigeons, sharkfalcons, and more: Qualcomm Convergence

It’s nice to know that someone in corporate America has a sense of humor—especially in this economy.

Happy April Fools!