We're All Tree-Huggers Now

I love living in San Francisco. I really do. And I don’t lose sleep over the fact that across the nation a great many of our fellow citizens view us as smug idealists, sexual deviants, and nature worshiping pagans. Most of the time I simply laugh it off. Most of the time. But every now and again I have an act of such utter foolishness thrust upon me by one of my own ilk—a San Franciscan—that even I, your ever-tolerant narrator, inadvertently cringes in disgust.

Such is the case when I encounter the middle-aged gray-ponytail-sporting kook in the Whole Foods parking lot who hands out home-printed “consumption citations” to drivers of other-than-hybrid vehicles while wearing a t-shirt that reads “My car gets 45 mpg. Does yours?” I’ve often fantasized about stuffing my green canvas reusable grocery sack with organic coconuts and delivering a Code Red to this self-righteous clown in a secluded corner of the garage. So if you ever pull into a dimly lit Whole Foods parking spot that reeks of patchouli, Fair Trade coffee, coconut milk, and death, you’ll know what happened.

The only thing more annoying than sanctimonious policy springing from a parking lot, is sanctimonious policy spewing from the podium. Enter Gavin Newsom. Our mayor’s Trees for Tomorrow program has planted 26,408 trees over the past five years. The city’s Department of Public Works planted 8,420 of said trees at a cost of $7.76 million to reach his Honor’s lofty and publically stated numerical goal. To simply maintain the program, the DPW must spend $1.1 million per year for the next three years along with $570,000 a year to an outside watering contractor.

Now I like trees as much as the next guy. Love to see more in my neighborhood, and elsewhere. Certainly would. Spend money planting trees. Sounds reasonable. Here’s the rub: on Friday a third of DPW’s tree maintenance crews were fired due to budgetary issues. That’s seventeen people no longer gainfully employed this week. I’m not an accountant or anything, but my guess is that somewhere in all that green is enough to pay seventeen salaries? But hey, at least all these newly unemployed folks will have plenty of shady spots where they can sit and think about how to rebuild their lives.

Too bad for his Honor that trees don’t vote.